Around Brunei

Letters To My Younger Self With Rafeah Serbini
April 16, 2020

Salam Pengky,

This is probably the weirdest most wonderful letter you’ll ever receive. It’s from a 35 year old you, almost 7000 kilometers away from home, surrounded by the desert and sea. Life’s pretty magical, Alhamdulillah.

So you’re off to uni! There’s so much I want to say to you and make use of this magical cheat letter we have so we could do even better but I guess that’s not how life works.

What I really need to tell you is that you are stellar. You are made of the same wonderful substance that God created the stars and universe with. It’s your heart, your soul intertwined in God’s breath is where your true worth lies. It’s not in other people or things.

There is no amount of diamonds or stars in the universe one could pay to buy your soul. So protect it with all that you have, protect it with all your heart.

Oh, the heart! The Prophet (peace be upon him) warned us that there is a piece of flesh in the body if it becomes good the whole body becomes good but if it gets spoilt the whole body gets spoilt… and that is the heart. The soul needs a vessel, and only the softest hearts can house a truly peaceful soul. At this point in our lives you, my darling, are not at peace. Your actions come from fear of losing out, fear of not being accepted, fear of being seen as that vulnerable little girl we were when were nine. Do you remember her?

How she felt she didn’t belong? How she was countlessly on the verge of jumping out of that moving car? How she prayed to God, asking Him to end her life because she couldn’t do it… Knowing He wouldn’t forgive her for giving up on His Love. I know now that she’s the empty void you feel when you’re alone. She is the pain and shame you’re constantly numbing out with people and things that promise you happy moments and euphoria. Numbing her out helped us deal, and we actually do alright. We get a masters degree, we even land an amazing corporate job.

But she comes back, asking us to heal. Asking us to go back to that unwavering faith we had in God’s Love. A Love so infinite and pure of imperfections, a Love beyond humanism.

There is a brilliant girl, a child activist who reminds me of who we wanted to be when we were little. We wanted to be like her. A child driven by love, compassion, and courage.

I want you to know that we did go back to the Source of Love and healed, and we are now working on giving our nine year old Pengky and kids like her a voice through education.

Allow the Light to enter the wound and you will bloom from that very wound where you once bled.

Pengky “Your 35 year-old Light Seeking Self” Serbini


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